One thing that commonly makes divorces conflict-ridden, longer and more expensive is when one spouse doesn’t want it. What can make things even worse is when that spouse feels like they were blindsided by the divorce.
If they believe there was no opportunity to discuss the decision and the reasons for it, they may feel powerless about what is happening. That can drive them to exert “power” in any way they can, including seeking primary custody of the children or a larger share of the property. It may even cause them to play “dirty tricks” like hiding assets or making false accusations.
That’s why discernment counseling can be beneficial to spouses who aren’t in full agreement about ending their marriage. Let’s take a brief look at what discernment counseling is and what it isn’t.
Discernment counseling isn’t marriage counseling
Marriage counseling (sometimes known as couples therapy) is typically used to help couples work through issues big and small. Couples generally seek marriage counseling to help strengthen their marriage – or as a last chance to save it.
Discernment counseling (which may or may not follow marriage counseling), as one therapist puts it, helps couples “explore each of their needs and concerns for the future as they move down the path of divorce.” It’s typically led by a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) with special training in this type of counseling.
What can discernment counseling accomplish?
Discernment counseling often lasts for only a few sessions, but it can continue longer. It depends on how much the spouses differ in their feelings about ending the marriage. It’s a good opportunity for one spouse to help the other understand that they can’t continue in the marriage and why. It also gives the divorce-averse spouse a chance to be heard and understood. They may even discuss what they want their post-divorce relationship to be – especially if they will be co-parenting.
The goal is typically to help both spouses move forward with the divorce and work out the details as amicably as possible, with the help of their legal representatives. They may be able to do so without lingering feelings of anger and betrayal clouding their ability to do what’s best for themselves and their children.
